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May 16, 2008
Noted teacher on relational living in the family of faith, Leon Tucker of Providence Baptist Church shares with a friend
reThink Conference 2008
Gabe Brewington and Melinda & Gabriel Villena discuss the biblical model for parenting
Bill & Deb Burton of The Greatest Mission Trip blog join us all the way from Indiana
Steve Wright and Brad Austin
Mike Hall, of Two Institutions blog and InQuest Ministries serves as event coordinator
Blake Hickman, Middle School Pastor at Providence Baptist Church and author for Two Institutions, welcomes pastors and parents to the reThink Conference 2008
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Gary Taylor,
Parents on
May 15, 2008
I called on my way home from work. My wife’s tone said it all. She was being pushed to the proverbial edge by our son. Or, as she said that day, “YOUR son…”
I had a few minutes in the car to gather my thoughts. I recalled a friend telling us that eye contact helps a child that age to listen better. It made sense to me, so I was prepared to repeat the command - ¬Look at my eyes - each time his attention wavered. By the time I rolled into the garage I felt armed and ready.
Jack! Sit here at the kitchen table with your father. We must talk.
He smiled and took a seat. (Smiled? Did he not notice I used my deeper, don’t-mess-with-me-because-I-am-the-Dad voice?)
Before beginning my earnest tirade, I instructed him to look me directly in the eye.
Jack leaned in close, our identical father-son blue eyes locked intently on one another. And, to my surprise, for the duration of my speech I never had to remind him to continue looking me in the eye.
As I continued my lecture - his eyes unwavering - I recall thinking to myself, Hey… this eye contact gig really works. I hope my wife is taking note.
As I concluded my speech with a summation of my three points and a poem, I asked Jack if he understood what daddy said.
Jack leaned in mere inches from my face, eyes still laser-locked on mine. I will never forget his three-word response:
“I see flowers.” With a curious awe, he pointed to within a millimeter of my eye and repeated, “I see flowers.”
What?! After my beautifully crafted speech, all you have to say is, “I see flowers”??? What’s wrong with this kid?
Simultaneously my wife and I realized what happened: Jack was seated so close to me that he saw the flower centerpiece reflecting in my eyes.
I had to laugh. He heard nothing I said, but I have to give the boy due credit - he did a great job of looking in my eyes.
The moral of the story is perhaps too “Chicken-Soup-for-the-Soul”: when we assume our God-appointed role of disciplinarian, what do our kids see when they look in our eyes?
It has been poetically overstated that, “the eyes are the window to the soul.” What comes out of my mouth will always take a back seat to the picture of love and warmth - or selfish fury and frigidity - on display in my eyes.
Do we have the courage to ask our children what they see when they look in our eyes?
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Norma Weekman,
Parents,
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May 14, 2008
This post concludes our interview with Luke Gilkerson of www.CovenantEyes.com.
7. What counsel can you give to parents who have children struggling with habitual viewing of online pornography? What about those who have kids who have just stumbled onto an inappropriate website but not consistently viewed the content?
They are not alone. Don’t be needlessly discouraged by believing the lie that this problem is not widespread. The problem among American youth is huge. The temptations that teens face today are not abnormal. They are, as Paul said, “common to man” (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Do they want repentance? The crucial question is whether your child wants help with the habit. Habitual porn viewers who don’t want help need to start at square one: Why is this a problem in the first place? This question strikes at the heart of a child’s beliefs. Do they have a personal relationship with God? Do they desire to walk in obedience with God? What is the purpose of sexual pleasure? If they are not repentant, this may be the very sin that grabs their attention and shows them their utter need for a Savior.
Leave the lines of communication open. Be clear about the sinfulness of their actions and habits, but do not try to convict or condemn. It may also be a great opportunity for a parent to relate to their child’s weakness by sharing some of their own failures and past lusts.
Start in Genesis 1, not Genesis 3. It is important to equip the minds of young people with a vision for their sexuality as it was meant to be (a “very good” thing in Genesis 1), not merely highlighting the evils of pornography as a part of the fallout from Satan’s deceptions (Genesis 3). Help renew your child’s minds by giving them a vision for holy sex, and then approach the subject of pornography in this context. Remember, the message is not “sex is bad,” but sex is so incredibly and amazingly good and holy that it should be guarded.
Get to the root issues. Aside from being a sexual outlet or a product of teenage angst, pornography is a form of self-medication. It provides a mental and emotional escape from reality into a fantasy world, an addictive hideaway. It is important to understand what your child may be attempting to escape from, something that even they are not likely to fully understand. Typically, pornography use is an attempted substitute for real intimacy and validation. This is where it is important for parents to lean on experience and wisdom from within their church.
8. What recommendations do you make to pastors to equip and encourage families as they seek to avoid or escape being ensnared by Internet temptations?
Don’t be silent about the real issues people are facing. Don’t be afraid to speak candidly about specific temptations people face. Don’t be afraid to use words like “porn,” for example.
Encourage dads to be the forerunners of pure households. Sexuality, spirituality, and personal identity are all vitally linked, so it is crucial to equip fathers with a solid vision for sexual wholeness. It is important for fathers and husbands to be pure leaders. Leading a family in wisdom is a challenging task, but heavenly wisdom first and foremost leads to purity (James 3:17). Offer practical community structures that allow young fathers and older fathers to rub shoulders, to talk about the challenges of living in purity and giving their families a vision for purity.
Many churches are now offering to pay for monthly subscriptions to accountability software, like Covenant Eyes, for their members. Doing this highlights the importance of tackling Internet pornography, it shows a church’s seriousness about the issue, and eliminates excuses that families may have about not getting accountability software on their computers.
Give both mothers and fathers a look at what Deuteronomy 6:4-9 looks like in real life. What does it look like for a family to worship the Lord God of Israel together, to love Him with all their hearts and souls as a family? What does “diligently” teaching our children look like practically speaking? How can the home become its own little synagogue, a house of learning?
9. Add anything else you think parents and pastors should know/do.
I can’t end without addressing the huge problem we face in Western culture: the fatherless generation that is entering adulthood. Many young men and women today grew up in fatherless homes, or homes with very absent fathers, or homes where fathers were not the spiritual leaders. The vacuum this leaves in unmeasurable.
American anthropologist, Margaret Mead, once said, “The central problem of every society is to define appropriate roles for the men.” Culturally, we face a crisis of fatherless adults. Men lack a real vision of being husbands and fathers because they’ve never been shown what it looks like. Men and women lack the validation of their father’s voice, and as a result we see a cultural epidemic of loneliness and promiscuity in the search for that validation.
If there has ever been a need for the older men of the church to step into their father roles, the time is now. If there has ever been a time for pastors to teach about the doctrine of adoption, the time is now. If there has ever been a time for God to again be seen as a “father to the fatherless,” the time is now.
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Norma Weekman,
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May 13, 2008
Today’s post continues our interview with Luke Gilkerson of www.CovenantEyes.com.
4. Are there any other suggestions or guidelines for avoiding pitfalls online, technologically?
For children, a good Internet filter can be a big help. Covenant Eyes also has a filter that can work by itself or in cooperation with our accountability program.
Children can also use a child-safe search engine if they are starting to use the Internet for social networking or homework.
There are also some simple ways to avoid certain pitfalls. Be careful when you type an Internet search on Google or Yahoo or other search engines. Be aware that sites appearing benign may actually be pornographic. After doing a search on a search engine, if you are unsure about one of the results, scroll your mouse arrow over the title (but don’t click on it): most Web browsers will display the Web address of that page at the bottom of your screen. If the Web address looks fishy, it may be best not to open it.
Know the exact Web address when typing something in the address bar. It’s best not to guess. Some pornographic sites sound or look like other common Web sites.
5. What person-to-person accountability measures do you recommend that parents put in place for themselves and their children?
Practicing a life of accountability is one component of a healthy community. When we are answerable to others about what we think, feel, and do, we not only think more deeply about our life of devotion to God but we can benefit from the valuable input of others.
One of the great God-given places for accountability is our families. Husbands accountable to wives. Wives to husbands. Children to parents. Our families can be places where we mutually confess sin, pray for each other and worship together. It can be a very powerful thing for parents and children to set aside weekly and daily “rhythms” of devotion, times to pray as individuals, and times of prayer together. If you are dry for ideas on how to do this, there are plenty of books and articles written that will give you places to start.
It is also important to find accountability in community. Men can benefit greatly from a fellowship of men. Women can benefit from a fellowship of women. Here are some things to be looking for in a good accountability community:
(a) Is there commonality? People usually begin gathering around a common bond such as a similar life situation. This makes the relationships natural.
(b) Is there age diversity? It can be a very powerful thing to have a multi-generational group getting together with one another regularly. The collective experiences of different generations add a whole new dynamic to accountability. It starts to look more like family: Older men and women parenting and mentoring the others.
(c) Is there intentionality? Many accountability groups fall to the wayside simply because there is no intentionality behind meeting together. It begins to lose its focus of talking about spiritual matters.
(d) Is there focus? Start by putting together an agreed list of questions that members of a group will ask to one another when they get together. Some accountability groups come together initially around a particular weakness or temptation, but as the group grows and matures the questions can involve many other areas of life: relationships with spouses and children, financial decisions, time spent with God, and other questions of that nature.
(e) Is God invited? This is critical. Adults who come together for accountability must make it a main goal to welcome God’s presence. Some of the most poignant questions you can ask each other are: “What has God been telling you to do? What are you going to do about it?” Talk about the Scriptures. What is God teaching you? Be prepared to open Bibles together. Finally, pray together (and not the quickly-pray-at-the-end-to-make-this-thing-official kind of prayer). Really pray. Talk long and hard to God. Pray for each other. Spend time worshiping together.
6. What stories/comments of hope and healing can you offer to parents who have become entangled in the darker side of the Internet themselves?
A number of Covenant Eyes members have written some wonderful testimonies about their exodus out of porn addiction.
Tal Prince , one of our long-time members and a pastor, writes very candidly about his former sexual addiction:
In the past, when conflict reared its head, I would avoid it-strike that-run from it. The difference then, was that I ran into porn or sexual relationships. . . . I ran to sex or porn over and over again, but when I re-entered the real world, the conflict was still there, only it was bigger and hotter, which only scared me more. So what did I do? I ran back to porn or sex to mask my pain and fear. That, my friends, is the vicious cycle of addiction.
He testifies about the power of accountability and offers a powerful challenge:
I dare you to live your life out loud, and boast in your weaknesses. It is in our weaknesses as followers of Jesus Christ that He is most glorified and magnified. . . . I’ve been using Covenant Eyes for over 6 years now, and it’s an essential part of my continued recovery in this area of my life. I recommend it at conferences and to people I talk to, whether they are addicts or just need the accountability-and really who doesn’t need accountability?
I could share many testimonies from Covenant Eyes members like this one.
I would like to offer my own story. I was a single man (with my fair share of sexual angst) and a full-time Campus Minister. I was deeply addicted to pornography and hated my addiction, but it seemed that I never hated it enough to say no at the critical times. I went to countless church altars and addiction seminars. I became familiar with the smell of church carpet near the altar. I became familiar with the burn of fresh tears in my eyes. The popular Christian song “The Altar and the Door” reminds me of my life then: “My heart is broken as I cry like so many times before. But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor. Oh Lord, I try. But this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow-through between the altar and the door?”
When I was caught in the grip of pornography addiction, there was a besetting misery in me each time I looked for answers. I knew I could not excuse my behavior like a helpless victim, but I felt helpless and utterly out of control all the same. After a while, I began to lose my faith in the altar calls (i.e. my resolve to follow through in obedience after a night of gut-wrenching repentance).
Then, one not so special day, an older man at my church asked me to go to lunch with him. All I knew of him was that he was a gifted speaker and teacher in our church. He said he wanted to get to know me better, that he could see some restlessness in my heart and wanted to offer any wisdom that might be relevant. A few days later I found myself sitting across the table from him, divulging the depths of my sinful story to him, fighting back tears. He became a true mentor to me starting that day.
During one of our long conversations, he offered to pray for me in regard to my addiction. I asked him, rather cynically, what the difference would be between his prayer and every other altar-prayer offered on my behalf. Without hesitation he looked at me and said, “The difference is, I am not going to leave you.”
And he didn’t leave me. We spoke often on the phone. We met week-in and week-out to talk and pray, dive into the depths of my heart, find the root of my sin, strip away my pretenses, and let the Word of God speak to those fractured areas of my heart.
Between the altar and the door I found the first step to true freedom. It was in a face-to-face relationship with a spiritual father and mentor. In that season of my life I saw James 5:16 illustrated with crystal clarity:
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The intense prayer of the righteous is very powerful.”
Published by
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Norma Weekman,
Parents,
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May 12, 2008
An interview with Luke Gilkerson of www.CovenantEyes.com
1. What are the dangers lurking on the Internet?
The Internet is certainly a wonderful tool. Never before has the world been so connected to information and news. The Internet is a worldwide, publicly accessible series of interconnected computer networks. Anyone can share anything. Anything . . .
The first kind of danger one faces on the Internet is dangerous interactions. The Internet is a place for people to interact with one another remotely, including people with ill intent. Teens face issues such as cyberbullying and Internet predators; these issues have been all over the news recently. Parents are looking for answers about how to protect their children from these types of dangerous interactions.
The second kind of danger one faces on the Internet is dangerous content, such as explicit and sexual content. The pornography industry in America brings in over $2.5 billion every year from Internet pornography . . . and this doesn’t begin to touch the amount of free pornographic material that is viewed online every day.
2. Will you share stats or stories that show the negative impact that unchecked access to technology can have on the family?
Certainly not all who have unchecked access to the Internet are habitually doing something negative, but one of the great lures to online pornography is its secrecy. High speed Internet allows anyone at-home access to more than 4 million pornographic websites (this amounts to hundreds of millions of pages). Never before has pornography been so accessible for such a small cost, with so little effort, and with so much privacy.
I believe the greatest damage that is being done today is among the youth, but this is not easily measurable across our culture. The largest group of viewers of Internet porn are children between ages 12 and 17, and many children as young as 8 are seeing pornography online while doing homework. It will be interesting to see how uninterrupted access to pornography in so many young people affects human relationships in five to ten years. Scientific research shows that if children are introduced to pornographic images during any one of their stages of psycho-sexual development, this can have great chemical and hormonal consequences for the future.
Where we are seeing measurable effects of pornography is in marital relationships. For example, at a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in divorces, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases. Why is this? Because pornography has a powerful psychological effect on the habitual viewer: it reshapes belief systems about sex and intimacy and this ultimately boils down to how we relate to our spouses.
It is a popular belief that pornography can enhance marital intimacy. But scientific research shows that pornography overexposes men and women to erotic stimuli and this exhausts normal sexual responses, thus actually creating impotence. Many neurobiologists say that the novelty of pornography (seeing a variety of images) makes men less able to sexually respond to the familiar sexual relationship of the marriage bed. Moreover pornography can powerfully reshape our beliefs about sexuality and intimacy, thus having potentially damaging effects on anyone, single or married.
3. What is “Covenant Eyes” and how does it address these dangers?
Those in sexual addiction circles talk about the “Triple-A Engine” of Internet porn: it is Accessible, Affordable, and Anonymous. These factors (combined with the repeated release of pleasure chemicals in the brain) make Internet pornography highly addictive.
Covenant Eyes is about removing the third ‘A’ of Anonymity and exchanging it with Accountability. In other words, Covenant Eyes is about removing the secrecy of Internet use. The software is very simple to use. Once it is downloaded from the Covenant Eyes website it runs in the background on your computer and monitors everywhere you go online. You choose two or three people that you want to hold you accountable for your Internet surfing, and they will be emailed a report of where you’ve been online. The report can also be accessed by these accountability partners on the Covenant Eyes website 24/7.
This Internet accountability is complete. It records everything. Covenant Eyes also has a unique scoring system that scores each and every URL (every part of every Web page) for content. The reports are organized so that partners can easily see Internet search patterns, the times of day when web pages are viewed, and the amount of time spent online.
What does this accomplish? First, it enables someone to be completely transparent in their accountability partnerships. This builds trust and a sense of openness in friendships. Second, it builds self-control with online use. Internet filters block access to websites, and many can be easily circumvented (especially by computer-savvy children). The Covenant Eyes accountability program doesn’t block anything. It allows you to go where you want, but all while you are giving an account to someone else of what you see. This builds self-control.
In a recent interview, Christian counselor Paul Mavrogeorge talked about how to use the Covenant Eyes program:
“Let’s say Dad has two or three men that he is in accountability with. They would get reports on where he goes and what he does on the Internet. In addition he’d get theirs. So now when they’re meeting or when they’re in conversation, they can have some conversations about, ‘Where did you go?’ and ‘Why did this happen?’ and ‘What went on?’ It isn’t ‘Oh wow, I gotcha!’ It’s, ‘Hey, let’s talk about this. Did you drift? And if you drifted, let’s talk about it.’”
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